Unlike Tom from MySpace , Mark Zuckerberg is not your booster . But sleep with it . intend about all the metre you ’ve spent on Facebook — for free ! You should get him something nice .
But what do you get an autistic savant who slaughters and butchers his own sum , encounter to be the populace ’s youngest billionaire , and is a practicing atheist for Chaunnukristmas ? Do n’t sweat it . At Gizmodowe’ve aim a gift guide for everyone . Here ’s what you should show up with outside Zuck ’s front door at 1456 Edgewood Dr. in Palo Alto .
1. Cash Special .25 Caliber HD Extended Bolt Stunner
Only four types of people butcher their own substance . botcher , Fannie Merritt Farmer , poor citizenry , and really , really goddamn rich people . And while we look up to Zuck for preparing for whatever impossibly improbable endtimes scenario is play out in his head , we also further him to mistreat up his biz . Stop simplychoking wimp , and make with some moo murder . This .25 calibre kill hammer will flatten livestock and other game with one simple squeeze . It also works groovy for intimidatingSean Parker .
$ 1,685.00 [ QC Supply ]
2. Koto Tachi Katana Sword
Look , just because a cat wish to slaughter his own meat , that does n’t stand for he ’s some form of savage . And nothing is as grisly ( literally ) , not to remark time - consuming and tiresome , as slapping away at a slab with a sluggish blade like some kind of do-or-die Okie . No sir ! You should get Mark a really penetrating knife . loot that . Knives are so mutual . Get him a blinking brand . This fourteenth hundred Koto Tachi Katana sword from Japan will slice through tendon and bones as quickly as Facebook issue through your expectations of seclusion . It also work on great for intimidate Sean Parker .
$ 12,400 [ Japanese Katana ]
3. Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People
Okay , this is obvious right ? But look , you ’re not going to buy him the Word . Books are for losers , unless they ’re go by the word “ Face . ” You ’re go to grease one’s palms the copyright to this Christian Bible for Mark , not because he ’s a socially - awkward robot ( although there is that ) but because this book is the biggest threat to Facebook ’s continued success . If hoi polloi follow Carnegie ’s tips they ’ll have more acquaintance in person and fewer on the grimace . I mean , just see how well it work out out for Sean Parker . Everyone do it that guy rope .
$ on the table [ Simon & Schuster ]
4. Bugatti Veyron Super Sport
What , you thought he want a 911 ? To cite Steve Jobs , “ that ’s the kind of Porsche dentists drive . ” Zuck needs the most expensive railcar money can bribe if he ’s expire to out - Musk the Valley ’s big rollers . I think of , Sean Parker could never afford this drive . Oh , you do n’t think you could give to buy Mark this car either ? Maybe you ’re not his real friend after all . Maybe you just need to get yourself the very last natural endowment on our list .
$ 2.4 million [ Bugatti ]
5. Yahoo!
Zuck may not need Yahoo ! But then again , nobody really needs Yahoo ! It ’s a trinket gift , to be certain . But the once luxuriously - flying Yahoo ! ’s decline fortunes will attend as an instructive lesson to young Mr. Zuckerberg , a sort of spectre of Christmas future . Besides , it ’s grease cheap . Yeah , the market cap is $ 18 billion , but I ’m pretty sure you could talk Jerry Yang and keep company down to some baseball cards and comic playscript . hell on earth , you might even be able to get them to throw in lip while they ’re at it . Plus , run Yahoo ! would give Sean Parker something to do other than drug .
Four Babe Ruth ’s and an early issue of the X - Men [ Yahoo ! ]
6. Glenfarclas Family Cask 1971
Port Ellen ? That ’s swill for losers who ca n’t afford a substantial whisky . Not only does this Glenfarclas Family Cask be top dollar sign by the dram , but it ’s also incredibly backbreaking to get by . This is the kind of whisky you lionize a $ 100 billion IPO with . Or a successful Sean Parker interference .
$ 540[The Whisky Vault ]
7. Stumptown Esmeralda Especial
Unlike whisky or wine , most Americans actually can afford a loving cup of the best coffee money can buy . But before you scoff , simply knowing about it makes one a ethnical elite . It says , “ I not only have money and taste , I ’m also au courant . ” It ’s the kind of thing a lowbrow like Sean Parker would never know about . Bonus : it ’s really fucking expensive as far as chocolate does go . Esmeralda common set disk at auction bridge in 2004 , 2006 , 2007 and 2010 . One roast bagful will set you back 100 beans — by which I intend dollars . Oh what ’s that ? You do n’t think $ 100 is an appropriate amount to spend on 12 oz. of coffee bean for the world ’s richest 20 - something ? lie with it . Buy him the whole infernal farm then .
$ 100 [ Stumptown ]
8. Sylvan Sport Go
Bohemian Grove is so controversial and political now ! burn down Man , on the other hand , is billionaire - safe thanks to the pioneer efforts of Eric Schmidt . Besides , Zuck will enjoy all those bare people , as he ’s probably never get wind one before . This Sylvan Sport Go is the most various camper on the grocery store . It ’s super light , so it will tow well behind the Bugatti . And best of all ? When pack down , it ’s so small you could mistake it for Sean Parker .
$ 8,000 [ Sylvan Sport ]
9. Any Gustav Klimt Painting
Yeah , sure , this may be a little high hilltop for the hoodie CEO . But it ’s not even like that . It ’s not about art , you silly poor person from the 99 percent . This painting is n’t to expose , or even keep . It ’s for Zuck to donate to a tax protection , like Rude Ronnie Lauder did . Zuck is fresh money , so he may not be hip to this yet , but if there ’s one matter cooler than wee money , it ’s keeping money . I ’m paraphrasing Sean Parker there , who also does n’t know what to do with his money .
Approximately $ 150 million [ Gustav Klimt ]
10. Fuck You
Fuck you . No , earnestly : bonk you , just have a go at it you . There ’s no jest here . jazz you . You acknowledge who ’s laughing ? Mark Zuckerberg and Sean Parker , that ’s who . Laughing at you . You do n’t buy their product , you are their production . jazz you .
$ 100 billion [ Facebook ]
Still have n’t found the right present ? Do n’t care , we ’re here all month with a new gift guide every day — mighty up until the last minute . To see ’em all , manoeuver on over to#GiftGuide .
Mark ZuckerbergYahoo
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