Ant Anstead is getting candid about hissurprising split from wife Christina Ansteadin September after less than two years of marriage — and how he’s been coping in the months since.
“I think everybody knows this was not my decision,” theWheelers Dealershost, 41, tells PEOPLE exclusively in this week’s issue inhis first interviewsince Christinaannounced they were separatingvia Instagramin September. “It really hit me hard.”
“If you ask anybody that knows me properly, they know that I give myself fully,” Ant explains, adding of theChristina on the Coaststar, 37, whom he married in December 2018, “I had so much love for her.”
“Anyone who really knows me knows that I don’t like to share private matters publicly. I have remained silent while holding on to hope,” he wrote at the time alongside a black-and-white photo of the former couple.
“I never gave up on us,” he added. “I pray Christina’s decision brings her happiness.”
RELATED VIDEO: Ant Anstead on Life & Fatherhood After ‘Devastating’ Divorce: ‘I Realized I’m Worthy of Healing’
While Ant admits he was in a “very dark place” in the months following the separation, eventually, he says, “I reached this turning point . . . I had the choice to dwell on it, or move on and work on myself,” he says. He chose the latter.
He signed up for a35-day online “breakup recovery” course, and a three-day faith-based retreat focused on mental health and physical fitness. He says that both helped him understand that “nobody controls me but me. It’s up to me to empower myself and realize how incredibly worthy I am of healing.”
Ant Anstead/Instagram
Ant Anstead/ instagram
“Not only have I improved my mental health, I’ve actually made a real conscious decision to go and improve my physical health, as well. I mean, for the first time in my life, I’m actually now taking vitamins!” he adds with a laugh, noting that he feels more physically fit now than he did duringhis professional soccer career.
For more on Ant and his life after divorce, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE orsubscribe here.
He also acknowledges that moving on will take time, and that recovery should not be rushed.
“It really is a process,” he says of navigating his grief. “And the thing about healing is sometimes you feel like you’re making daily progress, and then, from nowhere, your legs get taken out, and you feel like you start again. But I’m certainly making steps towards healing, even if it’s really slow.”
Christina and Ant met in the fall of 2017 and married in December 2018 in a backyard winter wonderland-themed wedding at their home in Newport Beach, California.Christina officially filed for divorceandjoint legal and physical custody of Hudsonin November. Neither partner is seeking spousal support.
source: people.com
